My mind is in such a state of turmoil right now, I’m not even sure peace is an option. I owe so much money I feel completely buried under bills. My debt may not be that high compared to some, but it is much too high for my own standards. There is no reason for me to be swimming in debt with the amount of money that I make. I should be able to support myself, without having to live with a roommate. I should be able to save enough to travel and pamper myself every once in a while, without wondering how I’m going to manage paying my bills.
I also seem to be drowning in my own fat. I have gained approximately 36 pounds in the last 2 years. I weight 202.5 pounds. I look at myself in the mirror and I can’t believe all of that is mine. People keep telling me that they can’t tell I’ve gained anything, I still look beautiful, I actually look like I’ve lost weight since they last saw me, but the fact of the matter is, I am obese and I am unhealthy. I don’t like the way I feel. I’ve never felt so constricted in my own skin before. I can’t bend down like I used to. I can feel my back and my butt touching in ways they never have before. My “pouch” as I’ve called it since highschool, hangs much further down that it used to. I don’t know how my boyfriend can’t tell, since he sees me sans protective clothing, but I know he’d be honest with me if he could. So apparently it’s been gradual enough to third parties that they cannot see a major difference. But who cares what they think when I can’t even look in a mirror without thinking, “Eww, gross, what happened?”
Maybe the reason I gained all the weight that I did is simple. I have noticed over the past couple years that I am always trying to make sure that everyone is happy. My parents divorced in 2007, and since then I have been trying to make sure my sisters and I don’t make either of them feel left out forgotten on holidays, birthdays, weekend events, whatever the occasion may be. I call my sisters to make sure they are doing whatever they can to satisfy both parents. Thanksgiving Day it’s “let’s make sure we get to Grandma’s early so we can make it to Yiayia and Pappou’s and not leave anyone out.” Don’t forget that I am in a committed relationship, so I have to try to squeeze in my boyfriend’s family as well. We don’t want them to feel left out, and I love him so much, I don’t want to make him think I don’t care about seeing his family. Christmas is a little easier because my father’s family has so many pre-Christmas-day events that we pretty much say “Merry Christmas” to him prior to the day of. But even then there’s my mom, her family, my boyfriend and his family. So it’s, “let’s make it to my mom’s early, open presents and eat breakfast there, then head over to your parent’s so we can celebrate with them, probably eat lunch and chat, and then head over to my Yiayia’s so we can see them as well.”
Then there’s making sure to see my mom enough, hang out with my friends who have families, so of course they can’t come out to me I am expected to go see them at their house, and they can come here once in a while but then only for an hour or two. There’s making sure I don’t ever leave Christopher out because of course, why would I want to? Then I think in trying to make sure he’s okay it probably feels like I’m being clingy and needy, which maybe I am because if I’m always trying to be everywhere at once then why shouldn’t he?
All of this and I don’t even take care of myself. I am out of shape and financially unfit. When would I possibly have time to take care of me? I’m absolutely bombarding my body with everything outside of myself, so I build myself a literal wall. If I can’t spend time with me, at least I can trap myself in my own fat. Maybe if I gain enough weight, I can use that as an excuse to not to do anything with anyone. “Sorry, everybody, but I’m too fat to go anywhere. I get out of breath too easily to walk to the car and to socialize. I’m just going to keep to myself from now on.”
Maybe this layer of fat is like a costume. I remember at my senior all-night party, I put on this sumo wrestler costume. That’s what this feels like. I put it on because I have to show everyone just how happy and satisfied I am with my life. The real me is trapped somewhere underneath. The real me that just wants to make music, or spend time writing and reading. If I wear this costume then no one will know me, and I can hide from myself just exactly what it is that I really want to be doing.
Or maybe the fat is reflective of the responsibility I am piling on myself. I make it my responsibility to make sure other people are happy. Is it my responsibility that my parents are divorced? Or that my father doesn’t make an effort to see me outside of orchestra or holidays, especially now that I am “living in sin” with a boyfriend who truly cares about me? Or is it my responsibility to make sure my sister’s do their “daughterly duties?” Do I really want them to do what I do? To feel as stressed and upset as I feel?
I MUST STOP WORRYING HOW MY ACTIONS WILL AFFECT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.
If it’s good for me, it will ultimately be good for everyone else. If I want to do something, I should do it. If I don’t want to, I shouldn’t, no matter who it will affect.
I want to lose weight? Okay, then, do it. There’s no excuse, someone this big does not have to try that hard to lose at least something. Exercise for an hour everyday. I have time, my gym is open until midnight. Nothing is stopping me from going in by 11:00 at the latest to get an hour of exercise in. Eat healthy. That means cooking for myself, no more eating out. The unhealthiest I should be eating is the occasional ramen noodle. No more big desserts at restaraunts. 9 times out of 10 those things have a full day’s worth of calories in them. If I must have sweets, Edie’s 1/2 the fat ice cream is plenty. But really that should be limited to once or twice a week as well, no more of this every night thing. And certainly not after 9:00 at night.
I want to save money? Okay, then, do it! Why the hell am I spending on things I don’t really want or need, anyway? Why spend all that money going out to eat? If I really need to go to a bar or restaraunt to socialize, drink water and let them do the ordering. Eat before going out so there’s no tempting stomach-growling going on while they’re eating.
I want to be an opera singer? I want to go to grad school? Okay, then, do it! How can I possibly make it if I never practice? So take that black binder that I have so neatly organized and open it up, for God’s sake! And really, for God’s sake, because why am I wasting such a beautiful God-given talent? I am a singer. So start acting like one!
There’s some things to think about. Stop hiding from the world, the world not only can handle me, but they need me. They need me to be me, not to be everyone else’s support system. Because if all I do is support everyone else and not myself, eventually I will crack under the pressure. Something’s gotta give, and today it’s everything and everyone else. Today I am here for myself. Period.